In the Mall

Scene: a seating area at an enormous mall, outside an upscale lingerie store. Enter, from opposite entrances, Heather and Brittany. Both are women in their late 20s, fashionably dressed. Heather carries Saks and Macy’s shopping bags; Brittany carries Lord & Taylor and Limited bags. They see each other and shriek

HEATHER: Brit! Wait ‘till you see--

BRITTANY: Heather! I got the cutest--

(both reach into shopping bags and pull out garments)

BRITTANY: Look! Isn’t the most precious--

HEATHER: The stiching! And the feel--

(taking the other’s garment)

HEATHER: Adorable! But isn’t it a bit--

BRITTANY: Snug for you? Aren’t you a size--

HEATHER: no! Not since--

BRITTANY: Oh! Thought you weren’t--

HEATHER (looking a price tag): I think I saw this for less at--

BRITTANY: You still look like a 12 to--

HEATHER: Definitely for $10 less than--

BRITTANY: Maybe a 10, but certainly not--

(they both look around)

BRITTANY: But where’s--

HEATHER: Wasn’t grandma with--

BRITTANY: You said you’d take--

HEATHER: No, you said you’d--

BRITTANY: My god, where is--

HEATHER: Did you abandon—

BRITTANY: I should have known not to--

HEATHER: You! Again. You know what happened last--

BRITTANY: That was ten years--

HEATHER: but it still--

BRITTANY: Don’t try to divert me from your--

HEATHER: It’s certainly a pattern for--

BRITTANY: She wasn’t with--

HEATHER: Well she wasn’t with--

BRITTANY: But you said--

HEATHER: No! You said--

BRITTANY & HEATHER: (simultaneously) Careless bitch!

HEATHER: What did you call--

BRITTANY: How dare you call--

HEATHER: Regardless, where is--

BRITTANY: How should I--

HEATHER: You were responsible for--

BRITTANY: No, you said you’d--

HEATHER: You’re the limit (tears the garment she holds)

BRITTANY: What are you . . . do you know how much--

HEATHER: Too busy buying dumpy rags to keep track of--

BRITTANY: (tears the garment she holds) this cheap tent--

HEATHER: At least it’s not tacky like your--

BRITTANY: Tacky! A huge schmatta like yours isn’t--

(A guard enters, pushing a wheelchair in which Maria, a diminutive and beatific woman in her 80s with snow white hair, sits, beaming. At least we’ll learn she’s beaming. Her lap is piled high with Dollar Store packages.)

GUARD: (to Maria) Here they are--

MARIA: Si. Heather! Brittany! Guarda che--

HEATHER: & BRITTANY: (simultaneously) Grandma! Where have--

GUARD: She said you’d be here, and asked me to--

MARIA: This nice man --

GUARD: She said you’d pay--

HEATHER: Pay for--

BRITTANY: (sighs) How much this—

MARIA: Not too much, just a few things for--

HEATHER: How much did you--

MARIA: Non sicuro, forse--

GUARD: Eight hundred fifty --

BRITTANY: Eight Hundred! --

HEATHER: Fifty!

GUARD: nine and sixty-five--

HEATHER: how could you spend--

BRITTANY: that much money--

HEATHER: at the Dollar--

BRITTANY: how many bags did she leave--

MARIA: they deliver free of--

HEATHER: just like last time when she--

BRITTANY: but at least it wasn’t the Lion’s Den this--

MARIA: you made me return the--

BRITTANY: pastries in those shapes aren’t--

HEATHER: not to mention the vibrators in--

GUARD: So you’ll take care of --

BRITTANY: Not me, perhaps my cousin-- (stalks off to the right)

HEATHER: Forget that, you can-- (stalks off in opposite direction)

GUARD: Now what?

MARIA: So take me a la casa just like--

GUARD: But I don’t get off until--

MARIA: So I’ll wait. I’ll just windowshop at Victoria’s Secret until--

GUARD: Oh now you don’t, ma. I’ll call Leo to come get you. Until then, you stay in the lock up. (starts wheeling her out)

MARIA: Porco diavolo!